Incest Isn’t Just For Game of Thrones

It’s been a minute since the last update. I’m an adult that has things to do. I’m back to what I’m affectionately referring to as The ‘Nasty.

*Shakes head*

Dynasty writers… did you not pay attention in class?

As the kids say, y’all didn’t understand the assignment…

Let’s jump ahead by a few years, shall we?

I’m going off memory because

a. I want to be surprised and

b. I don’t want to fall into a rabbit hole of Wiki pages reading about fictional characters, at least not right now—I’m a somewhat functional adult with a real job and responsibilities.

The world of Dynasty goes Targaryen (that’s a Game of Thrones reference for the uninitiated) in about Season 5 or 6 (I think?) when we find out there are a whole bunch of Colby’s we didn’t know about who live in California.

In other words, the network (ABC) wanted to capitalize on their success and wanted a Dynasty spin-off. Enter The Colby’s.

You think the Carrington’s are screwed up? Just wait until we meet these people; The Colby family tree is all kinds of screwed up.

You have siblings: Constance (Connie), Jason, Cecil, and another one who is Jeff’s Daddy.

Then, there’s our girl, Alexis. Because of course she’s involved, and her cousins Sable (I FUCKING LOVE HER) and Francesca, aka Frankie. Sable and Frankie are sisters. Sable marries Jason and they have children. Jeff’s Daddy Colby marries Frankie, which results in our sweet baby Jeffy.

Then, Fallon marries Jeff, even though their mothers are cousins. Yep…

So, no one thought about this? Not a single person raised their hand in the writer’s room and was like, “guys, we have a problem”?

Regardless of who Fallon’s father is, they are still cousins via their mothers.

Targareyen? More like Tarcarrington! I’ll show myself out now…

Imagine these bitches going at it for 8 seasons. My god, the ratings! SOMEONE HIRE ME TO WRITE FOR THEIR TV SHOW!

This episode opens up with Blake swimming and Alexis creeping on him as she’s carrying a basket of roses she got from the garden. Girl, you can do better than Blake. Luckily, she does when Dex Dexter shows up in a few seasons. My god, he’s hot.

Alexis low key hits on Blake and comments on how he’s kept in shape. He isn’t interested in her bullshit at like 8:00 a.m. She half ass apologizes for taking the roses from the garden. She tells Blake that Tony cut them for her for a painting she’s working on. Spoiler: that’s a lie. She did it herself.

Blake pretty much rolls his eyes and tells her he knows she is lying. Alexis, naturally, brushes this off and mentions how Blake used to forgive her little fibs when they were married.

Alexis tells him she wants him to make up with Steven. Blake is like, “why? I don’t love my gay son.” Alexis reminds him Fallon isn’t his daughter. Blake is pissed. He says something about “not that damn lie!”

This is important because obviously she’s used this on him before. Blake refuses to believe it and tells her yet again to “GTFO.”

Alexis is then left to plot her next move…

Jeff and Fallon wake up. He’s all excited after their night at the seedy motel and ready to go look for a house. Fallon is hungover and looks like she wants to die. Apparently, she “drank that whole bottle.”

Personal side note: there are no excuses for a hangover once you are over 23. Learning how to drink and what to do afterwards to prevent a hangover is a skill that needs fine tuning as you navigate through the liquor library of life.

Fallon just needs some electrolytes and protein, and she’ll be good as new. Ask Joseph for some greasy bacon, eggs, hash browns with ketchup, and a giant ass coffee. That always did the trick for me!

Fallon shoots down every neighborhood Jeff wants to potentially live in, because of course she does. They yammer on.

The phone rings. Jeff answers, and it’s Steven for Fallon. He tells her while he was out jogging in a terrible 80s get-up that he’s been thinking about her. He tells her to come over later. She does. Steven forgives her for talking shit about his precious Mommy. They have a heartfelt moment about how Fallon will always be his sister, no matter what.

Remember, Alexis told Steven that Fallon isn’t his daughter. Steven is disturbed by this info and is acting super cagey. Fallon suspects something is up…

Back at the mansion, Krystle is yet again staring out of the dining room window forlornly.

Jeff is in the dining room and asks Krystle, “what’s your problem?” I love that someone in this universe recognizes her forlorn window staring.

Krystle brushes him off. We soon learn about said problem. Hint: it starts with “A” and ends in “lexis”.

Jeff is also looking pensive. She then asks him about his problem. He tells her Fallon is bitching about trying to find a house. Krystle, being the nice lady she is, takes this as a sign they are moving because she’s having a baby.

In case we’ve forgotten, Krystle is pregnant.

Jeff is like, “WAT? You’re pregnant?” He is immediately and rightly suspicious of Fallon’s sudden trip the previous evening to Jeff and Fallon’s Sexy Time Motel.

Krystle assumes Fallon told him she was pregnant. Blake enters. Jeff congratulates them and makes some quip about how sons-in-law are the last to know things. Huh? That’s not a thing, Jeff, but whatever makes you happy, bro.

Blake asks Krystle if something is the matter. This is a 1980s nighttime soap—there’s always something the matter. Get with the program, Carrington!

If nothing was the matter, there would be no pensive staring!

She tells Blake she went to get flowers to take to Claudia, but Alexis had taken all the roses. What a problem to have! Blake reminds her to get over it and that Alexis will be “out of both our ways soon.”

Yeah, sure…

Joseph comes in with the phone. Blake has important oil tycoon things to do. He has Krystle order a couple dozen roses for Claudia from Jergen’s, another fake company we see again. He tells her not to worry about Alexis.

Jeanette, the maid who I hope is paid very well, enters. Krystle creepily asks her, “who is mistress of this house?”

Jeanette is like, “uh, you are.”

Krystle storms off to bitch at Alexis. Man, sometimes there is no chill on this show. This show needs more chill. Then again, chill is the opposite of what we want in a TV drama.

While Krystle is on the way over to fuck up her day, Alexis is on the phone trying to get ahold everyone’s of favorite uncle, Cecil Colby. Speaking of fucking up someone’s day… Alexis is about to do just that to him.

Cecil doesn’t answer the phone. He’s probably “busy.” Krystle knocks and Alexis tells her to come in. She is super pissed. She goes on about Claudia and the roses. Alexis is amused at her ramblings. She is currently painting said roses and does not give a flying fuck about them.

Krystle is still exhibiting no chill. Alexis pretends to apologize and offers them back to Krystle. Alexis then asks Krystle to pose for a painting for her to give to Blake for his birthday. Damn… that’s a bold move.

Krystle tells her, “I’ve never met anyone with your nerve… you’re incredible.”

Alexis is like, “yes, yes I am.”

Blake and Cecil are at the fancy 1980s businessman airport. Blake asks Cecil about Los Angeles, which is where he is heading. Cecil says, “it was exceptionally pleasant for this time of year.”

Huh? I thought LA was weather paradise? Who knows?

Blake mentions how it wasn’t pleasant here with his trial. I’m not sure how much time has passed, but it’s clear Uncle Cecil has been gone for a while. Time is meaningless on Dynasty.

Cecil mentions how he saw a picture of Alexis in the newspaper during Blake’s trial. He reiterates that she’s hotter than ever. Blake reluctantly agrees. He then starts bitching at Uncle Cecil about how they agreed to be partners in an oil venture. BORING! However, Blake found out just that morning that Cecil made the deal without him.

Cecil says he tried. Yeah, sure. He tells Blake their oil buddies weren’t interested because Blake is an accused murderer. Blake is pissed. This starts their frenemy relationship, which is a main plot of the whole season and then some.

Dr. Nicky T rolls up and to the Carrington mansion in his Delorean. A doctor with a Delorean? DOESN’T THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?!?!

He sees Krystle, who takes him to see Claudia. Krystle asks him if she can visit Claudia. She wants to tell her she can stay at the house as long as she likes. Remember, Krystle was screwing around with Claudia’s husband. So, let’s bother the mentally unwell woman by having her vanished husband’s mistress visit her and make her feel welcomed.

Great idea…

Nick says something weird in Italian. He needs to STFU. He comes into Claudia’s room. She’s not thrilled. She just tried to kill herself in the last episode. Nick is weird and a little creepy, but he does help Claudia. She tells him about her affair with Steven and tells Nick she still loves Steven. This starts their psychiatrist/patient relationship.

Cecil is walking over to Alexis’ studio. Not just walking… homeboy is walking with a purpose. Alexis is painting and probably plotting some scheme. Cecil comes in. They complement each other and share a friendly kiss on the cheek.

Cecil and Alexis had an affair while she was married to Blake. Also, Cecil knew Alexis first and has had a massive crush on her for years. Hint: this is a major plot line.

She offers him some wine. Obviously. I think it is, like 11 a.m.—morning wine is essential in this fictional universe. Cecil asked her why she needed to see him. After some Dynasty banter, Alexis tells him that Fallon is his daughter.

Uncle Cecil is not pleased. He tells Alexis he and Fallon almost went to pound town in Season 1.

Alexis thinks this is the funniest thing she’s ever heard and isn’t at all bothered by this information. It’s because she knows Fallon isn’t Cecil’s daughter. This is fun for her. This is the Dynasty equivalent of my dog rolling in a liquified dead animal after we’ve given her a bath.

Cecil doesn’t believe her. Alexis commands him to “believe it”. He still doesn’t and reminds her she was living her best ho life with their circle of friends back in the day. INCLUDING HER FUTURE FATHER IN LAW!!

Yep… we will get to that later.

Alexis still insists he is Fallon’s father and suggests she’s going to tell Blake, unless Uncle C agrees to talk some sense into Steven and make amends with Blake.

Cecil is such a sucker for her. He’s got it bad. Alexis thanks him and calls him a “very special old friend.” In just a few more episodes, Alexis and Cecil will become the horniest TV couple ever.

Krystle, who managed to take a break from forlorn window staring, goes to see Claudia. She brings her the roses she got from Alexis. This is awkward as hell. Remember, Krystle had an affair with Mathew, Claudia’s husband. Krystle tells Claudia she wishes she’d been honest about her affair. Claudia is not pleased. She thinks Krystle has heard from Matthew and knows where he took their daughter. Krystle doesn’t know where Matthew is. Claudia is pissed and breaks the vase full of roses as Krystle leaves the room.

Uncle C and Steven are at lunch. Cecil tells Steven he needs to make amends with Blake. Steven is not amused. Cecil tries to get him to listen using a more practical approach: if you’re disinherited by Blake, Fallon gets everything.

Steven says, “yep, Blake’s daughter, Fallon.” Subtle. They both know she might not be Blake’s daughter. Cecil then reminds him Jeff will get some money as well and Cecil will use said money to merge Denver Carrington and Colby Co.

THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR LATER!

Steven asks why Cecil is telling him this. Uncle C says it’s because he’s a good friend of Blake’s. Dramatically, Steven proclaims, “you may care, my mother may care. Blake Carrington? He doesn’t care!”

Cut to Fallon playing tennis with one of those machines that throws the ball. I don’t know the sports, okay?

The only sport I care about is me in the gym versus myself.

Jeff rolls up and asks her why she didn’t tell him Krystle was pregnant. He realizes he was conned into the night at the sexy time motel so Fallon can be weird about competing with her stepmother. He confronts her. Fallon says something about having a baby with her being a mistake. Yeah, pretty much.

Jeff says, “maybe it is.”

Fallon mentions how cute their kid would be. She and Jeff kiss while they pretend to be happy.

Back to Nick’s house. He is working on his car. The phone rings. It’s Krystle. Oh shit. She wants to talk to him. She tells him about Claudia breaking the vase and generally being a basket case. She expresses her concern. She asks him to come by later. Conveniently, his car doesn’t have oil or spark plugs so Krystle plans to come see him.

Commercial break.

Krystle is at Nick’s house sitting by what is supposed to be a sexy hot tub. She tells him she’s worried about “what Claudia might do.” Nick, who actually shows some professionalism, reminds her he can’t talk about his patients. Instead, he asks her to tell him about Matthew. She describes him as a “decent guy, basically.” Just how everyone wants to be described.

Nick tries to give her a drink. She turns it down because she’s pregnant. Good job, writer! She tells Nick that Matthew had an affair with “a woman” while Claudia was in the sanitarium. Nick obviously suspects that Krystle is “the woman”.

He is pretty chill about this delicious nugget of info. I mean, he is a shrink, so he’s heard everything terrible. She tells him that he makes her feel uneasy. Nick laughs this off and is like, “yeah, I’ve been told that.”

Krystle stands up and is immediately dizzy, as all fictional pregnant women are. He offers to take her home.

Now we have one of the best and worst scenes ever put on television. Back at the mansion, Blake is drinking in his library. Steven comes in and he is completely smashed.

I can’t decide if this drunk acting is the best drunk acting I’ve ever seen, or the worst. Considering drunk people IRL are a mixed bag and you never know what type of drunk is going to emerge, I’m going with Emmy-worthy drunk acting.

Blake is pretty much picking a fight with him. Steven can barely stand up straight. Blake asks why he is back at the house. Steven drunkenly says something about blood being thicker than water and that he forgives Blake.

Steven tells Blake he talked to Cecil about their relationship. Blake is pissed Cecil is meddling in his personal life. Steven tells him Cecil did it as a favor to Alexis. Blake is officially super pissed she’s involved. Steven goes off on a drunken tirade and tells Blake to give Alexis a break because she’s his mother.

Steven, who is pretty much a drunken pile of slurry at this point, proclaims to Blake the only person he cares about in this house is “your daughter Fallon… I mean my sister Fallon.”

Good job, Steven “Subtle” Carrington.

Nick and Krystle roll up to the mansion. Nick mentions how Krystle is pregnant. Mystified, she wonders how he knows. He’s like, “Trust me, I’m a doctor.”

We see Steven stumble running in the yard. Blake’s Doberman guard dogs are chasing after him and barking. Naturally, he plants face first into the swimming pool because obviously where else is he going to land for some drama? The two dogs stand at the edge of the pool barking like the good boys, or girls, that they are while going full Lassie “Timmy fell into the well.”

Nick runs over and heroically dives into the pool and pulls Steven out. Krystle stares on and says with the emotion of a bag of stale Raisin Bran, “Oh, my God. It’s Steven.”

The next scene Steven is in the hospital with a bunch of tubes coming out of him. Blank is standing there saying I should’ve stopped in and actually being a concerned father. Good for you, Blake!

Alexis runs to Blake, full on sobbing. Good on him for having the decency to let her know about Steven checking out the scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Naturally, Krystle and Nick show up just as Alexis starts crying onto Blake’s shoulder.

“Fallon’s Father” Random Thoughts and Observations:

1. Do these people ever sleep? They are all up early every day, yet partying and drinking all night.

2. I hope Blake and Jeff both have funds set aside for Fallon’s therapy bills.

3. When is the Blake, Alexis, and Krystle threesome going down?

4. Cecil Colby is the type of rich guy who doesn’t participate in, but knows other rich white guys who have visited the real-life Elite Hunting Club, aka the torture business in the Hostel movies.

5. Do any of these people ever drink water?

Fashion MVB (Most Valuable Bitch): Alexis. No one should look this good crying in a hospital. Plus, I dig the weird coat and the dark orange (rust; I guess?) silk jumpsuit. Come on, what’s not to love?

Final Rating: 3.5/5 Shoulder Pads